Forgiveness

Healing from trauma is in no way a linear journey.

You have been told a million times that the thing called forgiveness is supposed to be for

YOU, that it is supposed to keep you warm, to shelter you from resentment, bitterness and rage. But in my experience at first it can be like a blanket too small to cover your body, you pull it up to cover your chest and your feet are exposed, you tuck it under your toes and your arms get chilled. You toss and turn trying to curl up underneath the fabric, to make yourself small enough to fit beneath the cover and right when you think you have done it— a chill creeps in to say you have failed.

It can be so frustrating when you think that you are ready to forgive yourself and or the person who has wronged you, and you say it out loud. Looking in the mirror you say “I forgive you”. You look at the loved one and say “I want to get passed this, I want to heal, I forgive you” and you mean it in that moment.

Picking up the blanket of forgiveness you pull it on. At first you feel so good, so strong, so proud that you even ventured to curl beneath it in the first place, but as time goes on you begin to realize that it doesn't seem to cover everything.

You hear a harsh word or see an upsetting article, you see injustice continue from the one you “forgave” and the trauma of the thing you thought you had moved passed rushes over you like a cold draft. “I thought you were over this.” a voice hisses in your ear, and suddenly you are angry not only at the circumstances, but overwhelming at yourself.

You feel betrayed by the person you thought you were. “Am I back to square one?” Somehow there still is resentment deep your chest, burning in your brain. “I am a failure, a liar, a hypocrite for preaching peace when I feel rage.”

Listen real quick. It's ok, it's just that the blanket is still folded and it will take time to unfurl, be patient and look for the edges. When the anger arises see if there isn't another layer you missed the first time. I know how hard it can be as a survivor of assault, betrayal, and violent self-destruction, I have plenty of folds in my blanket yet to release. So please be gracious with yourself as you heal, it takes time. You are not evil for your anger, not a failure for your pain.

#healing #yogapractice #yogaforhealing #metoo #survivors