Pursue Social Change and Practice Internal Peace (Part 1)

I listened to a fascinating conversation between two girlfriends of mine a while ago. One friend had called a male coworker out for criticizing her use of make-up, she expressed to him that because she had not asked for his opinion on her face, he did not have the right to critique it. Her argument was very simple, that she had not put make-up on for him therefore she did not require his opinion. I found this argument to be straightforward and sound.

However, my other friend insisted that the fact the comment from the man had negatively affected her showed more a sign of insecurity and an internal weakness in the recipient of the comment than any wrongdoing on the part of the man who she classified as “not knowing any better”.

So my question is how do we move forward, both internally and socially? One woman seemed to believe it was simply her right to let the man know she was not comfortable with him commenting on her makeup. The other said that she should be more concerned with adjusting her internal self-esteem rather than demanding an external force change their approach in order to feel comfortable. Who is right?

Short answer, both. Second and longer answer; I do believe self-work is the only work we have full control over. However, in this particular case, you have a historically imbalanced demographic interacting. Women in the workplace (and EVERYwhere else) have notoriously been advised on how to present themselves physically in order to advance in their careers and love life. It is commonly acknowledged that “better” looking people tend to get more jobs (this is not including experts in their field), but men are very rarely told to change/enhance their appearance to ensure a position. Whereas women have been told to wear more make-up, more form-fitting clothes, or in contrast to dress down because their “femininity” is distracting. I am, to be clear, not referring to comments about an inappropriate dress such as too casual or contextually ill-fitting wardrobe. I am specifically talking about a coworker or boss expressing their personal taste on your appearance. It is point-blank, a blatant misuse of power to make a comment that may make a woman rethink her eyeliner before coming into the workplace in hopes of being treated better or to not elicit a negative reaction. Whether or not the comment is meant maliciously or not; the historical context matters.

Another argument may be, well he didn’t know any better— all the more reason to speak up. This brings me to the other side of the argument “it wouldn’t bother you if you weren’t insecure.” It is not up to us to demand someone admits the reason they felt reactive at a man’s comments about her face, no matter the reason it is inappropriate.

It is dismissive of men’s intelligence that they cannot understand the implications of even their well-meaning comments, just as it is dismissive of men’s willpower to resist raping a flirtatious and “scantly” clad girl. A progressive society in no way needs to be a man-hating society in fact it should uplift and empower men to realize they are greater than some carnal instinct. I was raised to believe men could not help themselves, that they would never get certain “naturalistic” truths, and that it was my responsibility as a woman to head off a man’s wicked impulses, through proprietary and righteousness. It is this very thought pattern that has enabled so much abuse to occur, we should be taking better care of one another. Men are just as much victims of this train of thought as women.

Yes, we should be taking care of our internal make-up, our heart hygiene. But we can strive to make a safer world for those most vulnerable. As we gain internal peace and security we gain more insight on how to help one another, softly in some cases and firmly in others. We can raise awareness as to how the ignorant actions of others impede growth.

Something I learned that I do not want to repeat is the act of declaring over someone what they are. “She is innocent”, “he is bad.” Labels such as this hurt us, we fight against them or lean into them, both reactions can be very dangerous. There is nuance to everything. Having internal peace does not mean being walked over, it means stepping aside so that the thing aimed at us does not take us fully in the chest. That we would be able to remain standing, to look the perpetrator in the eye, handing them their projectile back, explaining what texture it took on as it entered our sphere of thinking, or NOT we don’t always need to explain everything to a stranger or even a friend. THIS is where having a handle on the internal regulation of emotion becomes imperative. Where peace comes in handy, it is through the practice of non-attachment that we can objectively determine whether or not to address the situation.

It is not up to us to change the hearts of others, but a part of healthily protecting our own hearts can include bringing awareness to others on something that they may not be aware of.

I believe the healthier your internal dialogue the better you will be able to tell the difference between a reaction and a response. I personally would like to operate out of thoughtfully responding not reacting. The two are as different as detachment and nonattachment.